


I Wish You Were Here With Me

by jaerie



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Emotions, Grieving, M/M, Smoking, mainly harry is a mess, post one direction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-05
Updated: 2014-09-05
Packaged: 2018-02-16 05:03:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2256819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaerie/pseuds/jaerie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Louis' sudden death, the boys unanimously decide they can't and don't want to continue One Direction without him.  With the ghost of Louis following his every move, Harry tries to push forward though he knows he will never been the same.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Wish You Were Here With Me

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by sleep deprivation and listing to Right Now on repeat in the middle of the night. Dedicated to Ashlinka because she is obsessed with that song (though she didn't have anything to do with coming up with the actual idea and probably hates me for writing something so sad haha). As always, I don't really take the time to really proof so sorry for the mistakes and/or tense changes.   
> Enjoy, like, comment. I feel more motivated to write when I know people are reading :)

The lights go down and though the stage is no longer lit, the heavy heat they produced still hangs heavy in the air, a weight on the skin, a thickness you could feel. In a bubble of humidity Harry could feel his long hair popping up into ringlet curls around his face, drips of sweat beading at their tips as they travel down each spiral to make dark circles against his grungy tshirt. As the band fades out and the crowd grows louder, the inescapable reality immediately begins to seep back in, the voice calling inside his head becoming more than just an echo once again. 

It had always been so easy for him to slip into the role he played when in the spotlight. The stage felt like a safe place to him, a place where he could be free, a place where he could let himself go. Lately that freedom had morphed, though, the definition for him now so much different. From a young age he had been a great entertainer. Something just clicked within himself when he had an audience and he could easily let it flow freely. That ability had sky rocketed him right to the top of success and to a place where he craved that outlet and adrenaline. He never thought the freedom he would crave would be from his own head, from visions and voices he knew only he could detect.

It was such a strange feeling to walk off the stage alone. They had only just started the tour and already everything felt so new to him. The once joyful atmosphere fueled with excitement was now replaced with a somber sense of finality to the night. There was no banter following him as he made his way down the hallway nor was there anyone there to give him hard sweaty kisses as a promise of activities to come once they were alone. He trails his fingertips along the wall to ground himself as he makes his way towards the exit, the night calling out to him, luring him to the moonlight like a siren. 

Once a person to always love the sun, he found himself unable to keep up with the activity that happened during those hours these days. People moving about their daily lives in the rat race was now far too overwhelming for him to actively participate in or even subject himself to. The night was where he could almost handle himself, the vibe much calmer, giving him space to breathe as he struggled to move on the best he could. It was much easier to blend into the darkness, to hide in baggy hoodies and slink about without the harsh light exposing him. He was approached less as well in these hours which was one less thing for him to worry about. A hermit lifestyle was a path he never saw himself taking but everyone always had the same questions for him now, the same looks of pity as they gazed at him and selfishly asked for pictures with the shell of the person they once thought they knew. There were no answers for them and though he really wasn't okay, those conversations were ones he definitely did not want to have with strangers. 

They wouldn't understand anyway. None of them had been there the night after their first live show, darkness and the sounds of 3 boys deeply sleeping the only thing surrounding them. Their adrenaline had been so high neither boy could sleep and before he knew it, the mattress had shifted and Louis was crawling in right beside him. It was a night that would never be erased from his memory. Everything about it only grew more special and closer to his heart as he grew older. 

“I could do this forever,” Harry had whispered towards the ceiling as Louis casually played with his springy bits. If he were able to, he knew he would be purring with the attention. The happy buzz still coursing through his body pressed permanent dimples into his cheeks with the smile that would never be questioned as anything other than genuine.

“We could, you know,” Louis had answered him after a few moments of comfortable silence, “Even if this doesn't work out for us on the show, I mean. We could move to London and start a band and, you know, just go crazy together.” The large smile was so apparent in his voice that Harry could even feel the crinkles present around his twinkling eyes and he felt his soul fill with a warmth he hadn't known before. In those whispering nights together they had solidified their bond, promising each other they wouldn't let the other give up on their dream. Even as their band topped charts and broke records, they had always promised each other that when the time for them all to move on from One Direction had come, they would never let each other walk away from music. How would he ever make strangers understand that forming a new band so soon was only just another way for him cling to what he wasn't ready to let go of. 

Before he even reached the door to slip out of the venue he had a cigarette up to his lips, sparking the flame beneath the shield of his wide palm as he pushes open the door. He always hated when Louis smoked, even if he only did it under Zayn's influence. There was no denying that he loved their little spats, though. They were never very serious and always ended with both of them tripping into the bedroom or to the nearest surface to take it out on each other's bodies. During the first days he spent truly alone he had sealed himself up in their house, mourning in ways he subconsciously knew were unhealthy but couldn't convince himself to stop either. It was in those days where he had pulled half a pack from Louis' still dirty jeans, spurring him into a fit of anger that sent him stomping out to his back porch, lighting one up with trembling hands as he cursed the filthy habit. As the smoke filled his lungs and burned at his throat he briefly felt connected to the soul he had lost and since that moment he had been unable to stop. He saw Louis' face materialize in the smoke before him with each stick and he desperately clung to it. 

He was thankful that the back of this club was secluded by the tall but plain brick walls of buildings and high wooden fences, successfully shielded from invasive cameras and high pitched calls of his name. It didn't, however, block out the sound from the streets, voices rising up in songs he recognized as his own, echoing through the dimly lit alley to his ears. No one had known what kind of reception this solo endeavor would receive, the initial thoughts of everyone involved not being very optimistic with the events of the previous months. None of them felt right moving on without Louis with them in the band and none of them had wanted to either. Though the fandom was still in shock, it didn't stop the anger that pulsed through social media about their disbandment. His management had booked the freshly formed band into smaller venues and clubs as a trial run, something that was also very unfamiliar to him. Unlike so many bands struggling to make a name for themselves, their small venue run had been very short lived and he also had been so very young. Leaving large stages and stadiums behind left him filled with both sadness and relief as he knew being alone on a stage that large would only trigger memories that were too painful now to relive. The small performance spaces he now needed to get used to left little room for nostalgia and he was grateful for that. 

The singing began to grow louder as the venue emptied, the lucky fans that were able to get tickets to his small shows now joining the masses who had turned up in support even though they weren't able to get in. With this type of reception, he knew he wouldn't be going home for so long but this time he honestly didn't mind and was actually relieved at the thought. Home wasn't home to him anymore and, anyway, Louis would be waiting for him on the bus He had no doubt as he was unable to truly be alone for more than a few minutes anymore. Though the alley seemed deserted, he could feel Louis' presence watching him from the window of the bus just waiting for the opportunity to grab Harry's full attention just as he had in life. 

When they had been on tour with One Direction, they had rarely traveled on the same bus. Louis preferred to invest himself in video games or getting high to pass the time while Harry was drawn to television show marathons with the girls or being a pseudo father to the babies that were with them on the road. He knew that people in their fandom often discussed the split between the two, even though they weren't openly together to the public yet. There were enough fans convinced of their relationship throughout the world that he saw their doubt spread through social media gossip as they boarded different buses. They had a different lifestyle than the mainstream but to the outside world, surely that meant they were breaking up. It worked for them, though. Since the beginning all 5 of them had spent nearly every waking moment together and even the non-waking ones when it came to him and Louis. Neither of them had a problem spending some healthy time apart in that way and now he was finding it slightly helpful. 

It was almost impossible for him to spend time in the home they had built together and shared so intimately. Louis was everywhere and there was nowhere to escape him. He was in bed with him when he rolled over in the middle of the night. He was making tea when he stumbled with sleepy eyes into the kitchen in the morning. He was bent over the bench in the shower where they had wasted far too much hot water getting distracted by each other's bodies. Since his memories of the tour bus didn't always include Louis, now when he was left alone as they drove it was a little easier for him breathe. It still didn't completely stop him from feeling his lover sitting just beside him as he scribbled in his lyrics notebook or feeling him in the small space left over in his bunk after folding his lanky limbs into the cubby.

The band he traveled with now shared the same bus as him but they quickly learned that the back room wasn't a place they should venture to. After their first show, the turn out had been unbelievable. They all had plastered their faces to the bus windows as they slowly inched their way out onto the street, so many fans gathered that it made maneuvering a vehicle nearly impossible. All relatively unknown musicians themselves, they had never witnessed such a mass of people turning up to one of their gigs. Harry was used to the sea of fans but it never ceased to amaze him, his face against the glass right there with them. 

The relationship they had been dedicated to had not been made public until the news of Louis' passing was released days after the incident. Knowing there was no reason to hide anymore along with the fact that Harry was not handling it well, management had lifted control on the issue, letting him make a public statement and speak freely if he wished. Staying away from social media as much as he could in the days and months that passed, he had taken advantage of the removed gag to post several sets of previously private pictures from Louis library on instagram as he sobbed his way through his soulmate's computer and phone. He knew on some level it was quite selfish of him to do so knowing how much it would hurt the grieving fans to see just how happy they were behind the scenes. Unloading some of the pain onto to them felt like a logical solution as he forcefully pushed post. Logical until he let himself fall victim to the comments he always accidentally fell into reading.

He knew all of the fans only meant the best and were showing their support in the only ways they knew how but on that first night of the tour all it took was one “Always in my heart, Love Louis Tomlinson” sign held high above the crowd for him to completely lose it. He couldn't fight the feeling, the strong emotion like a tsunami hitting an unsuspecting shore. There was rarely a night when he wasn't hit by it though some nights were worse than others. After the first incident of his unconsolable hysterics, they knew that was his space and rarely invaded the privacy he didn't need to ask for. 

He knew he had changed. Being alone was much easier now than having to participate in social situations. There were still late night gatherings he attended, trying his best to slap on a smile and pretend he was working through his grief the way he knew he should. As a couple they had acquired their fame and created their adult lives together and, as a result, all of his friends had been their friends collectively. He still deeply cared for and loved each and every one of them which motivated him to at least attempt to be okay for a few hours every now and then. When it came to their crowd at least he didn't have relive the events through prodding questions. They all knew what had happened and were still going through levels of grief themselves. It had only been a hop past 6 months after all. Being around them gave him little glimpses of how it used to be and though he felt guilty admitting it, when they forced him to attend a party or hang out, he did usually leave feeling a bit lighter. Warm hugs of understanding were much better than the pity and sadness he saw in the eyes of fans. 

The band had started bringing their gear out to load into trailer hitched to the back of the bus. Stamping out his cigarette, he heads to board the bus, avoiding even the casual conversations as usual. As he expected, Louis' ghost had been waiting for his attention as he reaches the back room, closing the sliding door behind him. He tries to ignore it but, as always, his eyes end up staring right back at the apparition until he is startled back into the proper time and space by the bus launching itself into motion. He sighs and pulls his blanket up around himself as he lays down, the item routinely sprayed with Louis' cologne to keep him close. 

“Right now... I wish you were here with me,” Harry whispers softly as he reaches to turn the lights down to a dull glow. It was rare that sleep really came to him lately but as his memories began to launch Louis into motion in front of him, the echo of the sassy voice calling to him made it hard for him to care.

**Author's Note:**

> I have a tumblr but I'm mainly just really good at hitting the reblog button. jaerie.tumblr.com


End file.
